- Join Holly as she searches east Auckland for love and connection
In which a reader asks:
“I’ve lost a close friend. She hasn’t passed away, just decided that she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.
“Some days I miss her, and other days I resent her. Why is this so hard?”
What you’re feeling isn’t unusual. Friendship break-ups can hurt just as much as romantic ones.
Your former friend has her reasons for the estrangement. Whether those reasons seem fair to you or not, all you can do right now is deal with your own feelings.
Several emotions may come up – rejection, abandonment, guilt or anger – as well as natural feelings of sadness and grief.
Whenever we lose a relationship that’s precious to us, it’s normal to have a period of mourning.
This is quite healthy (it validates that what we lost was meaningful) but it feels horrible.
Sometimes, this period of mourning feels like it’ll drag on forever. Try to remember that it won’t.
During this emotional rollercoaster, it’s important to practice self-care, and to care for our values, too.
In our worst moments, it might be tempting to speak or behave unkindly in retaliation to the other person for “making” us feel bad – behaviour that we might not feel so proud of once we’ve had time to heal.
If we can acknowledge our feelings without assigning blame, we’re set up for a much better recovery.
Do we recover? Reader, I ask myself this often when thinking about lost loved ones.
I’m still not “over” all the losses and betrayals that I’ve experienced – but I’ve grown through them.
I’m more mindful now that love and friendship can be lost, so I treasure them while having them.
A few painful memories make me even more grateful for the good ones.
The most important lesson, I think, is to learn not to close ourselves off to new friendships or opportunities, and to trust that they will come our way.
When you’re feeling a little less raw, small acts of faith and bravery – like reaching out to a new potential friend to arrange a coffee – could help you move forward.
Email holly@times.co.nz.
Yours in love,
Holly
