Sex And The Suburbs – Holly considers toxicity

• Join Holly as she searches east Auckland for love and connection.

In which Holly considers toxicity.

Reader, as someone who loves men and boys – not just in the romantic sense, but as friends and family members, too – I’ve become increasingly concerned by a single phrase: toxic masculinity.

One dictionary defines it: A set of harmful beliefs and behaviours that are typically associated with men. These beliefs and behaviours can negatively affect men and society.

How does it differ, then, from the patriarchy as a whole?

Toxic masculinity could be considered as leaves on the patriarchy tree. While many patriarchal structures grow unseen, like roots underground, toxic masculinity tends to be more visible. It can manifest as overt discrimination, hatred towards others or self, or even violence.

A key example is self-proclaimed misogynist Andrew Tate, who flaunts his greed and hatred for the world to see. If all toxicity was this easy to spot, its harms might be easier to avoid.

But the patriarchy is stealthy, and its harms are tied up with other societal issues. Men, as a whole, are struggling. Kiwi girls are outperforming boys at school, and men’s tertiary graduation rates are falling.

Still, even as women become more qualified, a gender pay gap still exists, and women are still more likely to experience poverty, sexual assault, or intimate partner violence.

Then again, the suicide rate for males in Aotearoa is more than twice of females.

Nobody has it easy, and the patriarchy harms men, as well as women. To appease the patriarchy, men must be rich, able-bodied, and heterosexual.

Not only that, they should be dominant in every social or sexual situation, never show weakness and always suppress their emotions, all except aggression and lust, which are idealised.

They should choose a “manly” career and “feminine” partner. They should conform to male standards of beauty, have toys in the form of fancy cars, boats, etc… the list goes on.

How many good men fail to tick all these boxes? And where does it leave our boys?

Sorry, kiddo. That nice teacher you look up to? He’s in a “feminine” profession. Not man enough.

Yes, I see he’s doing important work in your community, he loves his job and seems happy… how dare he? Anyway, kiddo, find another role model.

Your honest, hardworking dad? Good try, but he’s not a millionaire. Plus, he’s loving towards you and your mum and brave enough to be vulnerable about his struggles… so emotional! Not man enough.

When we allow our boys’ healthy role models to be undermined, we make room for Andrew Tate.

Few men benefit from the patriarchy because it’s actually about power not masculinity. It’s a near-impossible ideal, orchestrated to keep the privileged few at the top by convincing the rest they’re not good enough.

There is a treehouse at the top of the patriarchy tree, and most men are not allowed to play in it. Bullies like Tate keep pulling the ladder up, even as they flog their courses, books and seminars.

Of course, women are no stranger to unreasonable expectations. Refer, Reader, to America Ferrara’s famous “Barbie” soliloquy in which her character states: “It is literally impossible to be a woman.”

That’s why simply yelling “they have it easier than us!” is so ineffective in solving gender issues. Honouring our masculinity or femininity – or, more importantly, honouring our humanity – cannot be at the expense of another. Life is not a zero-sum game.

Perhaps, Reader, we could abandon the term toxic masculinity and stop pathologizing maleness altogether. The truth is that while some men do behave very badly, we cannot assume that someone is inherently bad just because they’re male.

An example of just how stealthy the patriarchy can be, and how it can sneak into our thinking and language: A few weeks ago, the Times ran an article about teaching consent in schools.

A local mother stated that “parents must be informed about what and how schools plan to teach” and that they want their children to learn about respecting boundaries and consent.

I support her on both of these points, but wondered at another statement that read “the provision of unisex multi-stall toilets robs our boys of their first opportunity to respect girls’ boundaries, by staying out of their bathrooms”.

I hope we can agree that anyone, of any age or gender, should be able to feel safe when using a bathroom. This statement, however, seems almost to suggest that boys are unable to respect boundaries unless they’re separated from others by corridors or a binary sign on the door.

Surely, if we’re raising our boys well, we could give them a little more credit. Or shall we assume that every little boy has an inherent capacity for harm and disrespect, thereby creating an undercurrent of guilt and ultimately feeding the beast?

Years ago, at school, S* dropped his pencil and asked me to pick it up for him. When I ducked under the art table to retrieve it, I realised he’d unzipped his shorts and was shaking his willy at me. We were six, in a room full of classmates with a female teacher present, who tried to write off the incident as “boys being boys”.

Reader, while masculinity is not inherently toxic, neither is toxicity limited to men. All these years later, I’m still far angrier with the female teacher who made excuses for him than I was with S*.

I share this to assure you, from personal experience, that those who seek to disrespect our rights and boundaries don’t need a bathroom for a venue. They will try to do so in a classroom, on the street, on the internet, at our place of work or in the halls of power.

Please don’t assume I regard the parent quoted as toxic – far from it. Her comments were well-meaning, and I commend her for speaking openly about a topic that merits attention, even if her views may differ from my own.

Perhaps we should start looking at toxicity as less of a binary. In many branches of chemistry, the terms “toxic” and “non-toxic” are almost moot – one is more likely to measure toxic levels. After all, in the wrong quantities, almost anything could be harmful… even water.

Though crucial for the human body, too much water can cause overhydration and electrolyte imbalance.

Perhaps we can all be a little toxic. However, I think this capacity for toxicity in most of us is very small, regardless of our gender. I’d like to believe that if we chose to honour our humanity, we could all thrive together.

Email holly@times.co.nz

Yours in love,

Holly

• For the story about teaching consent in schools, read: https://www.times.co.nz/news/call-for-schools-to-teach-consent/