- Join Holly as she searches east Auckland for love and connection
In which Holly goes Bumbling…
It’s quarter to five on a Saturday, and I have some time to waste before dinner with my friend, Mel.
My phone dings. Beside the yellow icon, the notification reads: “You’re raking in the likes!”
At present, I have one active lover (The Bulgarian) and a few comets.
Do I really need another beau? Yes, I decide.
Between the Bulgarian’s busy schedule and mine, some of my needs for affection are going unmet.
On to Bumble, then, and the tide of faces.
Everyone has their preferences and their turn-offs.
While I don’t have a “type” as such, there are certain red flags that will inspire me to swipe left. My top three:
- He has four photos in his dating profile, and he wears the same tough-guy frown in each one.
I love a great smile. If his profile gives grumpy vibes, I’m moving on.
- He shares pictures of his kids without obscuring their faces. For me, seeing children’s faces on a dating site feels invasive.
As for the guys who have pictures of a child captioned “not my kid”… hard pass.
- He has an unkempt beard. After all, I’m a perimenopausal woman. If I have to sort out my facial hair, so does he!
Of course, I have green flags, too. As mentioned, I’m a sucker for a smile.
I love meeting people who prefer meaningful conversations to small talk.
As a strong, independent woman with friends and a life of my own, I appreciate a good fishing picture – I see them as safety rails for co-dependency.
After all, you know what they say: Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish… get rid of him on weekends.
Reader, am I being too picky? If you’re currently looking for love, write in and tell me – what are your red and green flags?
Online dating seems like an easy and enjoyable way to connect with people, but are we doing it right?
Quite simply, just like the men I might encounter walking down any given street, it’s guaranteed that not all of the men I see online will meet my preferences.
Of course, I accept, in turn, that I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea.
I can, however, afford to be picky, simply because the numbers work in my favour.
On most dating apps, straight men significantly outnumber straight women, giving those women a distinct advantage.
I muse over this, and later, at dinner, Mel chimes in: “Quantity is definitely not the issue for women. It’s the lack of effort that annoys me.
“So many guys’ profiles don’t even give you a hint at who they are… just a couple of dim pictures. I wonder if most women’s profiles are as sparse?”
(I checked, Reader, with the help of a male friend. Yes, some of them are, but a greater number of them are well-curated.)
Numerous studies show that, over time, women tend to grow more dissatisfied with online dating, and that straight women are more likely than straight men to sign up for in-person dating events.
Following Mel’s reasoning, could this be because events require us to demonstrate more effort at the outset?
Still, for many of us, life only seems to get busier and more expensive.
It remains the easy option to find a stray 10 minutes to swipe on the apps for free, rather than putting aside an evening and $40 to $100 to attend a dating event.
So, for those still swiping, here are three quick tips for healthier online dating:
- Limit swiping to five minutes at a time.
Most dating apps rely on the manipulation of dopamine (a neurotransmitter that influences how we seek out and experience pleasure) to keep us engaged.
Extended swiping can warp both our experience and expectations.
- Be open to meeting people who meet most (not all) of your expectations.
Of course, some expectations, like being treated respectfully, should not budge.
With others, you may find you have more wriggle room.
As you get to know each other in real life, you might even find that someone possesses amazing qualities that you wouldn’t have thought to put on your list!
- Treat people as well as you would in real life. Don’t ghost or belittle anyone.
Remember that online, just like walking down the street, not everyone you meet is going to be the next love of your life, nor might you be theirs.
That’s okay – just have fun connecting with people!
If you do so with kindness and an open mind, you’ll feel much better about the whole process.
Email holly@times.co.nz
Yours in love,
Holly xo xo
