- Join Holly as she searches east Auckland for love and connection.
In which Holly ponders teenage boyhood…
Godson, here are five things I hope you’ll understand as you grow into a gentleman:
- You’re good enough. Not once you’ve got the shiny car, the big muscles, or the cool job. Now – just as you are – you’re good enough.
Of course, you should always strive to improve yourself.
Unfortunately, unscrupulous companies or individuals can make big profits by telling people they’re not good enough, then selling them some rubbish product or idea.
Always pause to ask yourself who stands to gain from making you feel less than you are.
Remember that your innate human worth cannot be diminished.
I know it’s not easy, right now. I remember, as a teenager, feeling that I was expected to act like a child sometimes and, other times, like an adult.
Because nobody ever told me which expectation was in play at any given moment, I felt like I was constantly disappointing everyone.
I wasn’t, and you’re not. It will all be okay.
- If it’s not “heck yeah!” it’s a no. Consent only counts when given freely and enthusiastically.
That goes for you, too. You should never feel pressured into intimacy.
For a long time, society taught men that their masculinity was tied to how many people they took to bed, but the measure of a man is not his body count – it’s his integrity.
Physically intimate or not, what really matters is whether you’re enjoying fun, safe and respectful relationships.
While you might not want to hear this from your Godmother, you should also know that consent can be sexy – all you need to do is change your tone.
In a low, slow voice, ask questions like: “Do you want me to kiss you now?” “Does that feel good?” or “Where do you want me to touch you?” You’re welcome.
3. Despite what dudes with microphones might say on TikTok, feminists are not the enemy.
Nor are the people on the other end of the political spectrum, or those whose hardships and privileges are different from yours.
If you really want to enjoy this world, be curious about the people in it.
Ask questions with an open mind and travel whenever you can.
Learn another language if you’re given the opportunity. Try hanging out with people who are just a little bit weird – they’re interesting, and you’ll become a more interesting person, too, just by knowing them.
- There are things about the female experience that you might struggle to understand. They could be biological, social, political, or practical.
Things like safety calls. (If your sister, girlfriend or female friends ever ask you to record one for them, your answer should always be yes.)
Things like why we chose the bear, even though we know most men are good.
Things like pink tax, and the importance of sisterhood rituals, and why we might crave breakfast cereal when we’re on our period.
If in doubt, ask women – and be open to helping them understand the male experience in return.
You can’t speak for all males, and they can’t speak for all females, but you’ll find that learning to communicate openly with other genders is an incredibly rewarding skill.
- You won’t get through life without being rejected or having to reject someone yourself, so get good at rejection.
If you have to let someone down, do it with humility. Be kind but firm, so they know where they stand.
Ghosting is cowardly, so don’t. If someone ghosts you, it’ll hurt but think of it this way: If they had the emotional skills needed to treat you the way you deserve, they wouldn’t have ghosted, which means that you’re not missing out.
Whether it’s approaching someone you’d like to date or applying for a job, there’s always a chance that you’re not exactly what they’re looking for – and that’s okay.
Learn to take rejection gracefully, understanding that it isn’t anyone else’s job to make you happy.
Godson, thank you for being you. Happy International Men’s Day (November 19).
Email holly@times.co.nz
Yours in love,
Holly
