Sex And The Suburbs – Holly says no

• Join Holly as she searches east Auckland for love and connection.

In which Holly says no.

As a teenager, I thought I was fat.

It was the 1990s – the era of the waif. Body shaming and unrealistic beauty ideals were the order of the day.

My boyfriend treated me badly, but I put up with it because I didn’t want to be alone.

Looking back, I realise I was simply developing curves. Looked fine. I can also see, in hindsight, that I could’ve had a nicer boy in a heartbeat (sorry for not noticing you, Isaac), or simply chosen the peace of flying solo.

Now, as an adult who is properly plus-size – in both confidence and curves – dating has far more ups than downs.

I do aim to reduce my body mass in order to protect my general health, but if there was one reason I might not want to lose weight, it’s the quality of pipe that I attract as a full-bodied woman.

Society would deem most of the guys I’ve dated to be well out of my league. They’ve had hard bodies, fancy jobs, handsome faces and all the other superficial social trappings.

I’ve found them attractive for a different reason – they think for themselves. They’ve challenged whether the beauty norms are what they actually find attractive.

While they see me for more than my physique, they’re true to their own desires and delight in my Rubenesque body.

The other week, I arranged a meeting at a busy local cafe with an unreasonably gorgeous young man.

He’d rambled, via messaging, about how he adored the softness and cuddliness of an ample body.

While I would’ve preferred that he focus on my personality, I’d decided to give him a chance and see if there was more to him. After all, it was just a coffee… no biggie.

So, Reader, I’m sitting there with my latte and my phone dings. He’s changed his mind. He’s there, and still really wants to meet, but can I walk across to the car park?

After some pressing, he admits he’s reluctant to be seen with a larger lady.

This may sound familiar to other voluptuous women. In plus-size dating forums, complaints abound about only receiving sexual attention when nobody’s looking or feeling trapped in secret relationships with “hotter” partners.

One woman writes: “He wants to **** a fatty, but he won’t take me to dinner or introduce me to his friends.”

The answer, of course, was no. I wouldn’t go to the car park. Firstly, that’s creepy. Secondly, while I value discretion, I value my dignity more.

In the words of Tony Gaskin: “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.”

And in the words of Beyonce: “You must not know ’bout me / I could have another you by tomorrow.”

Reader, email holly@times.co.nz and tell me: How have you learned to protect your dignity while looking for love?

Yours in love,

Holly